NO. It’s not Hitler’s its mine…
If things were to have staged as they were meant to be, my life would have been a delight! But as clichéd in awkward holly-bollywood films, it was never meant to be. But unlike awkward holly-bollywood films, I would be the sole culprit who managed to tarnish the spectrum. To put it in a two-word common slang of today….”my bad”
Yes “my bad” it was that got my family to leave their beloved serenity in Islamabad and end up here in the hostilities of Karachi. You see, I was never the perfect kid for my parents. They dreamt of me as the kid that will make their heads held high in pride, someone who they can proudly relate to…. How badly mistaken they were…
At times when I look back at my great depression I realize that I had became a vulture; void of feelings, void of any belonging… all that matter to me was me…
I just wanted everything to revolve around me I was addicted to enjoy life as I wanted it to be at any cost whatsoever… lying, cheating and all the vices meant nothing to me… The way of the astray is always luring…
And then something happened…. The realization stemmed in… it was not dramatic, not tragic it was as nonchalant as I could ever imagine it to be…
We have this terrace at our house in Islamabad which has the most pristine and serene view you could ever imagine, the break of dawn or the setting of the sun from that terrace was the only natural feeling I had in those days…..that was the only time when I could see the sun without blinking…. The shades of orange had always intrigued me and always made me feel insecure for some reason… something always bothered me about the shades and travel of the biggest source of energy….
One break of dawn…. I had my answer… I had always been wrong… .And when you realize that.. There’s nothing worse, the epitome of guilt scratches away everything from your life you feel numb…. You feel insane…. Put it in medical… you are in clinical depression….
And that what I started to go through, clinical depression… my confessions to the people I love made no headway…. I felt the same…. How could I have faltered so badly?
It took me a year to reclaim rationality… but still the guilt sucks me in and makes me wish otherwise…
My life is mostly dark… yet I have shining things to hold on to..
Mahv,liz,tj were the light of my darkness… friends made out of sheer, blunt , freaky luck are one of the few things that can flicker a smile on my pale dark face..
My struggle thus continues for another time…
Tick-tock,tick-tock,tick-tock…..
